I finally awoke from a long deep sleep...! And a big decision now made...

89:59.999S 00:16.0W

Still at the Pole!

It's been two days of virtually doing nothing... Well, one very important thing: Resting and recovering!

I have also had the chance to read all your comments on the blog, which were JUST great, and once again overwhelming....!

I logged on to the southpolesolo@mailasail.com email account, but there were just too many emails to download by satphone, so they will unfortunately have to wait until I'm back in Punta Arenas.

I've just been knocked out from the exhaustion that suddenly surfaces once one stops! It's something I've experienced a few times before, and now waiting for Ruth's expedition arrival which is a expected to be in the next few hours.... I'm pretty excited to see her, but I bet she just can't wait to stop moving and know the goal destination has been reached.

Life around here at the ALE South Pole camp has changed quite a bit since I first arrived, as three other expeditions arrived. It's always interesting talking to others who have been 'out there' and comparing / sharing experiences. One of the teams had a scary crevasse experience where the sled fell down a 30m deep crevasse, in 'the middle of nowhere', was dangling in the air with the still-taught line, tethered 'pilot', struggling to be the last resource, anchor preventing 'it all' from dropping the full 30m into a scary blue room. He was so consumed with the physical struggle he was unable to help himself, so it took a colleague to pull out a knife and cut the sled free to fall on its own the 30m! Being mountaineers, they then proceeded to abseil down into the 'blue room' to rescue the sled. It had to be totally unpacked and piece by piece removed out of the crevasse... From a solo perspective, I chillingly thought through the situation, and the life and death situation I'd clearly been spared, but that it clearly presented.

I could see from some of the comments that many of you have sensed that I've been re-visiting the decision on kiting back or not... Yeah, I always knew that the solo trip to the Pole was the 'main show', and kiting was an add-on bonus opportunity, but now I'm dealing with the practical and emotional realities...

I'd had lots of thoughts about it in the 35 days on my own, tried to understand the impact of two team members of the original five no longer being part of it, but had decided I'd wait until I'd made it to the Pole, and then had a few days regeneration time, before deciding... Well, I'm at that point now.

It's been hard to be objective and honest with myself, but eventually I've decided I'm not in the right physical and mental state to be able to REALLY enjoy the challenge of kiting back. My right foot is 'normal' again, but it's much more than that.

I could probably rustle up the will and energy to get out there and do it, but after the unbelievably intense and amazing solo trip, it's fallen way down on the 'want to do' priorities, so I'll be flying back.

I do believe that an important part of life is being able to listen to one's passions and deeper feelings, rather than just obsessively following pre-committed objectives. It's not always an easy one, hey! As others were involved, I did need to check that my decision didn't disadvantage / pain / compromise the team / individual member goals / experiences. A phone call to the ever flexible Richard Weber, the kite expedition guide / leader, confirmed my decision wouldn't compromise the team, nor any one individual. I was free to decide entirely in my own world. Was I just taking the easy route and missing out another great life experience opportunity? Would I regret it? Am I focusing on the problems / difficulties, when the joys / highlights far outweigh them? No, I'm happy with my decision, and probably most of all I can now REALLY savour the solo trip. l owe it to myself to fully enjoy what we created together, and I'm really going to do that....

Thanks for those of you who helped 'push me' towards this path too... At the time I read your comment about kiting, it DID have influence. Thank You for your insightfulness, and internalistion of my situation.

Finally, I would like to thank the following people who helped make this 'Solo but not Alone', South Pole expedition of mine such a huge experience success:

Richard Weber: In the expedition preparations Richard was always there to provide his expert advice and support on the many equipment and decisions. His unselfish mentoring on my 2010 North Pole expedition gave me the confidence to take on this solo challenge.

Josee Auclair (Richard's wife) and her team in Ottawa, Canada, who put my amazing food rations together, including customs passing and delivery to Punta Arenas.

My sister, Ros, and her husband, Bob, in California: They provide that special, intimate support that comes through family bonds.

Neil Bailey: a long-time friend and original sailing mentor of mine who, earlier this year, truly helped me through the decision to 'do it alone', and then has been truly close support throughout the preparation and the actual expedition. I know of all people Neil really understands what I've been through.

Dominique, who managed the blog and was the 7-day-a-week interface between you guys and me.

You Guys! My Blog supporters: I've expressed my gratitude and amazement at the bond we developed, but the last few days of personal reflection and comparisons with the experiences of other expeditions, I TRULY see how VERY special your support and our interaction was for 'the journey' part of my experience. Many asked how I had time and energy to write a blog at the end of a hard 11 hour day? Yeah, I only slept 6 hours a 'night' on average, but writing the blog was so natural and integral part of my whole day that I believe it had enormous, 'end of day' therapeutic value for me, and I was excited to share my intense thoughts as they came right off the Antarctic coalface... I'll be in contact with you individually soon.

ALE: For providing the logistics and infrastructure that allowed me to contemplate and then execute the expedition.

Lastly, but far from least, Ruth. She has always been fully behind me doing this expedition, and has lived through the emotional rollercoaster the journey this year has sometimes involved. Her satphone support along the way, while dealing with her own very intense experience, was invaluable and another big part of the 'Not Alone' experience.

Adios.....

Day 34: The Whitest Christmas I'll ever have...! No Father Christmas so I gave myself a present!

89:37.353S 80:35.807W

Anybody out there? All at Christmas celebrations......?

A MERRY CHRISTMAS from just near the South Pole, TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILIES!

Inching south to the end goal, just under 23 minutes of latitude left...42km!

Elevation: 2802 metres. Into the final 2800s, the plateau does have a few unexpected 'inclines'...

So it's Christmas day is it? No Santa, no decorations, no public holiday, in fact, just the same as yesterday! No, well, I did give myself a present: Only 8 hours march today, and had two luxurious relaxing hours doing 'nothing'... Sheer bliss!

I say doing "nothing", but what I did was so overwhelming it brought tears to my eyes: Firstly, I got nice and comfortable in my tent 'armchair' (yes, I have one, an indispensable item!) put my Father Christmas hat on, and then downloaded the past 3-4 days of your comments that Dominique kindly sent through on her Christmas day.... Well, guys, as I say I was overwhelmed, so much so I shouted out with joy: "This is JUST bloody incredible...Very, very SPECIAL" From all over the world too.... I'm truly lucky, and can't say how the blog and level of interaction has taken 'Solo but NOT Alone' to a level I could never have dreamed....Thanks for being such a key part of my amazing experience!!

What was great was reading about your Christmas preparations / arrangements etc, it took me right into your world too.... Simon takes the 'Belonging' prize with his 28 'people' dinner! Patrick and Brigetta take the 'most spiritual turkey' award, and Sandy gets the prize for the 'least whitest Christmas', because you SHOULD always have snow there where you are!

Please could I ask: If you comment, but aren't on the email list, could you please 'sign up', as I do want to get back to you all individually once I get back to Punta Arenas, and can really savor reliving the whole thing by reading it all in chronological order again. Thanks!

So for today:

The weather was a bit like yesterday: something of everything! I had very warm (-8C) temperature to start, then, clear skies and cold tail wind, then virtual whiteout, even snow, no wind, and finally a strongish headwind, with real poor visibility... Hmm, it's not over yet! The terrain is good up here on the plateau, but the weather is very changeable....

I've decided (if I can try and manage the last 42km) that I'll do it in two steps: 27 km tomorrow and then, 'last wilderness sleep out', and then 15 km 'final strait' to the 'finish post' the following day... That'll be my 27th Dec.

For those runners out there, all I have left is ONE standard marathon! Gee, that feels good! But why does it take me so long? Haha, polar travel requires patience!

Still haven't seen anyone else yet! Just white, and more white...

I can feel the 'end of expedition' mind creeping in: I'm find it difficult to find 'the zone' as my mind races to the finish, meeting Ruth, decisions on kiting, etc. I try and force it back into the minutes of the current march, but it's quite challenging. The mind is a VERY complex and challenging piece of us, hey! The source of all our thoughts, quite simple yet incredible!

That's it for today, enjoy your Monday holiday too...

H

Day 32: Mother Nature decides my pace... Storm again!

89:02.473S 81:28.666W

Crossed the 89th parallel at 11h15 today, going like a rocket and now into the final straight. It felt pretty special to be at this 'strange' position on the bottom of the world... It sounds probably 'stupid' but I did have this sense that its curvature / shape is different as it's so close to the Pole... I'm not going mad... Just letting the thoughts out freely

Elevation: 2736 metres. I'm definitely on the South Pole plateau, hey! It's just so different in skiing surface too...

"You say like a rocket: Ok, so why haven't you moved much on 'the map' then...?"

Oh well, another dreaded northerly storm put an end to what I'd hoped would be another 34 or so kilometre day. I should learn my lessons: 1st one: never tell you guys what a beautiful evening it is. And secondly: don't try to predict my arrival day! Mother Nature doesn't like me to think I'm in control...

At the start today there was a light following Northerly wind, which gradually strengthened bringing with it total cloud and virtually zero visibility conditions. I saw it all happening but somehow wanted to deny the day was going to be cut short. I skied through for a bit, but found I was disorientated to the point I was zig-zagging like a drunken. It was quite amazing how suddenly my mindset switched to thinking how nice it would be to spend another 'day' (?) in the luxury of my cosy little tent on the ice on my own! There REALLY is something special about that... Wind howling outside and 'us' being made into a sastrugi again, probably the only one around here this time! I just wish I had more food stocks, and that long gone whisky... I'd need nothing more... Well for this 'prison'!! Food is a bit tight, but will be OK, provided I'm not stuck here for more than a day more. I've got this strange conflict: I want to enjoy this time in the tent out here in nothingness, but also want to get to the Pole. I REALLY do know I'll miss the specialness of being and doing EXACTLY what I'm doing RIGHT now, and again, the reality of the situation does provide a 'wakeup jolt': I'm in this minute tent, in this vast wilderness, inhospitable weather outside, a few layers of thin fabric separating the two environments, and I'm insignificant as far as this world is concerned... Hmmm, that's maybe what makes up a large part of the specialness...

I'm hoping the 2-4 days waiting for Ruth at the Pole will be almost as pleasurable, but it will be closer to 'your guys' life: there'll be people around, and I'll have a boredom distracter: My Kindle. So I can read! It's waiting for me at the Pole, together with 'a few other' indulgences. Yeah, I've also been contaminated, and am a bit normal! But hey, I have to get there first... Focus!

I spoke about the ice occasionally rumbling as 'we' cross over it, well today I had a real big one: it was as if a whole ice building was collapsing underneath 'us'. The noise like a pack of structures falling went on for seconds, and I was fully expecting to see cracks all around, but nope, nothing, it's all under the surface. Maybe it's not as serious as it sounds, but from the sound of things there must be a significant cavity somewhere below. I did imagine skiing along and we sort of 'detonate' a large area of collapse that just consumes me, the sled and nothing more heard! I guess the fact this isn't supposed to be a crevasse area; I've never seen surface cracks when this happens; and it hasn't happened to others before me, allows me to pushing it off the fear list.

As I write this and think that tomorrow is Christmas eve for you guys (yes, me too, but it's quite different for me) I think how busy your lives must be, and it must be so obvious from this and other emails how minutely micro my world is... Strange, hey, and yet I'm not missing busy-ness, and all that goes with that... Doesn't mean to say that if my world was in amongst all that I wouldn't be enjoying it... But let me say: I'm not missing it... Maybe I'm a bloody weirdo...? Maybe it's because I know I can't have it, but the nice thing is, I must be somehow 'balanced' out here because I feel content... But life IS very SIMPLE!

I'm not sure how long this storm will last, but I know I'm not in charge, so all I can do is have a flexible plan for what WILL happen: Unless the sun appears and wakes me earlier, I'll wake up as usual at 6am, and see what things look like. The remotest chance of being able to see to ski, and I'll cook breakfast and headout asap. If it's still 'inhospitable' I'll give breakfast a miss, go back to bed for a few hours and check again... And repeat until I can go..... So if it goes on a while you may get a surprise email and maybe even another photo or two....

Now back to the philosophical thread: Belonging and ID in the context of managing one's life for maximum Freedom. (And by the way, that's a big assumption of mine, that most people want MORE freedom? I'd like your views on this? Would you like more freedom in your life? Honestly now? 100% Freedom being the ability to Act, Speak, and Think without ANY restraint, and we all live somewhere 'back' from that maximum reference. Where do you fit on the scale?)

Belonging then: This is simply being a part of one or more human being group - essentially a relationship of mutual need and acceptance. The most fundamental and intimate being the relationship with 'oneself', belonging within one's own skin, to the least intimate, just belonging as a citizen of the world. Inbetween those two we all have a range of belonging situations. As I'm always reminded: The human being is a social creature, so belonging is a fundamental human need. Yeah, accepted, but is there a limit to 'healthy' belonging? Too much belonging can reduce one's freedom, by the need to constantly meet the demands / expectations of the 'group' to continue to be accepted.

I sense in this complex world we now live in the NEED to belong is at an all time high, probably because of the breakdown in family / society fundamentals, and a complex world confusing people.... Strong statement, but JUST my views. To me this is borne out by the power of brands, fashions, the narrowness of what's cool, the draw of celebrities, the unbalanced popularity and hero status of 'ordinary celebrities', the following of highly marketed professional sports teams, Facebook's easy virtual friends, etc, etc, etc.. 'People' seem so desperate to belong to 'something'... In my humble opinion, this extraordinary need to belong comes from 'people' not knowing who they really are, so using these icons as their ID associators / references.

Then there is the other dimension of belonging: We all need money to live, and because of the power of the capitalist hegemony, money is almost, if not, central to society today. Belonging to groups / individuals who can lead one to money, whether that be just your boss at work, your breadwinner husband / wife or your business network connections, the 'better' you belong to the easy path to monetary freedom. So if that is the case, it would seem possible that 'people' will do anything just to belong to get the reward. In the process 'they' modify who they are so as to be accepted in these groups... Cynical, maybe, but partially true to.....?

The society 'we' live in today is a classic hegemony, and it's so clear what defines success and what you have to do to get there...There are messages about this in every newspaper, TV, movies, etc, etc. There is a societal pressure that keeps people on a materialism 'rat race', that fuels the hegemony, and destines most to a life of subsistence work: working to sustain an ever-increasing 'standard of living', so 'we' can fit in (belong) better in society...

You, or I, or our friends may be exceptions to this world... But I think it takes a strong and courageous personality, and a different 'life approach'.

So, all this leads to a huge NEED to belong, and in the process one probably forgoes a lot of Freedom!

I got to the point in 2004 where I could no longer belong within the hegemony's values, and so turned my back on 'that society' to go and explore 'something better'... A daunting adventure in hindsight! Where does one start looking for a 'new world'? I chose adventure as the medium and Nature as my teacher! I sensed cutting myself from virtually all belonging, and material needs, grabbing the associated freedom, and then putting myself naked in front of Nature, through solo sailing, cycling, polar stuff, etc, in the world's wilderness', I'd learn REAL 'stuff'....

Well, surprise, surprise, just like now in my tent, with the wind still howling outside, the simpler life became, and the more naked I got, the more I developed a REAL relationship with myself. I began to belong in the most primary place possible, within myself! I joke with many about the concept of 'Romantic dinners for One', but the ability to not only do that, but ENJOY the occasion, I believe is a test of strong internal belonging!

On my adventure, and exploring for another 'life world', I sense at some point around 2006, I experienced the lowest level of external belonging in my life. I was a solo sailor / adventurer, wandering without a home, other than my yacht, no country of residence, and just free. I'd left the hegemony world.

So right, where is all this going?

Well, what I experienced was that as I belonged more within, my 'desperate' need to belong with 'many and everyone' diminished, and the more I simplified my life, the 'richer' I became! Now I don't want this coming across as me being a social recluse, or I don't need friends, hopefully you can see from my communications I love interaction with others. It needs to be real belonging relationships, where we can truly be free infront of each other... Be ourselves, the one who we know deep within. Anything short of that, and my freedom may be compromised!

So in this whole exploring process, I found another life, one where I largely managed to retain my hard won freedom, while having a new more grounded and less demanding basis for belonging. I'm only sharing with you my experiences, not trying to TELL you what's right or wrong. How could I? Life is coomplex and individaul. Please comment as you see fit, from your heart....

Gee, guys I hope there is something in all this which is remotely of interest / value to you, but it's been very special writing this to you from my little house on the ice, in the middle of a storm... I almost sense I was given this storm break, to send this 'story' off to you...

I often get told: "Oh you can only do all this with wealth, so it's for an exclusive few." If time permits, I'd like to share next time my views on this, and why that isn't true!

I do hope I can continue towards the Pole tomorrow. Still 105 km.

Cheers for now...

H

Day 30: Let free, and a great day's skiing!

88:36.330S 81:21.681W

Elevation: 2 745 metres... Really not much more now!

Well, around 3am this morning the change to the warmth and brightness of the sun woke me, and I knew I'd been set free... A quick peek outside confirmed the storm had passed and I'd be back on the road again! I was so excited, I almost got up straight away and got the day going. Pragmatism took over, as my routines would all be messed up, but I did decide to get up an hour earlier than normal, TO GO!

The storm had definitely left its mark: the windward end of the tent was heavily buried in snow, and some tent pegs were quite a challenge to locate! It was pretty warm, and the wind had switched back to a light SE, so all good signs that things were returning to normal.

Well, the rest of the day went like clockwork: With the fresh layer of snow, there was no debate about using skis, and I was focused, badly needing a 30+ km day! The snow made the surface a touch sticky, not the fastest I've had, but nice and forgiving, so I could push the pace. 1st hour, the GPS showed 3.8km, and 'we' were cooking! No sastrugi in sight, in fact I don't think I saw one of any significant size the whole day... Hopefully this is what 'the plateau' is all about. 11 hours later and 100 skiing hours I'd done 35km! Hey, did the boy feel happy! Just the performance deserving of a whisky! Please have one for me...

The whole terrain was different today, lots of beautiful wind-formed patterns on the ice - gentle, artistic ones, from waves, to small mountain ranges, to minature dunes, none more than a couple of cm high. I stopped quite a few times to take photos of the most interesting patterns.

It is amazing how this Antarctica changes along the way. I'd love to know why there is dense huge sastrugi some places, and yet right next door nothing? It's not just the wind, I think it's ice flow related as well.

Many times today as 'we' were skiing along, suddenly there would be a loud, moving ice-shattering noise coming from right under the sled. Scary at first, but then I got used to it. Seemed like it was a 'resettling' of the ice underneath as 'we' catalysed the process.

Not much else to report. It was just a focused, production day!

Only 154 kilometres to the Pole now! I'm hoping for 26th arrival. Pity about not being there for Christmas, but so be it! I'll have a Christmas similar to 2007, when I was in the middle of the North Atlantic, just me and my yacht... Very special in a strange way! I'm not a big traditionalist in this domain... Had too many when I was living with my parents!

Hey I hope your run up to Christmas is going well... For those going away: Travel safely!

No philosophy today: A rest day! Not sure for whom?? I'll touch on 'Belonging' and 'Identity' before the Pole, so maybe think about these terms as you go about your shopping and wait in the 'mindless' queue!

Hoping for a good recovery tonight and another big kilometre day tomorrow!

Cheers

Day 28: Freedom, capitulation and prisons... A different day!

88:13.956S 81:30.713W

Yeah, a low distance day, just on my 'minimum acceptable'! Only 25 km done, but 'All OK' in today's capitulated paradigm.

Elevation: 2 678 metres, least climb ever. So why not better distance, you may ask? See below....

What a funny day....

As I said in yesterday's post, I knew I was caught in this 'can't ski easily, and can't walk easily' terrain position, and was needing to change my paradigm. The terrain largely remained the same so I was initially restless, constantly thinking of changing between walking and skiing, not a good place to be. After an initial -23C and moderate crosswind, it went warm and still, cloudless sky, and just a PERFECT day. A real day to be soaked up and enjoyed, and really appreciate the luxury of the pure mind space this ice nothingness can give. To enjoy the journey!

After seeing 3.1 km for the first hour, I sensed that new paradigm better be developed quickly, or else I was going to be one hellluva frustrated guy by the end of the day!

You may have noticed that I use the words "capitulation" and "prison" a lot? They are strong, motive words, and ones that lie on the other side of the line from Freedom. Freedom is something I value hugely, and find fascinating, and basically in 2004, when I left Sydney, the business world, and shed all my possessions, to start the 'Simply Adventure' life, it was largely about going to find myself and explore Freedom: how it works, what - if anything - defines the limits, and how I could find a life that had maximum freedom, but was also holistic and meaningful. I am pretty confident, and hopefully you don't see it as arrogant, in saying that over the 7 years, I pushed the limits, and went where few have gone, in terms of experiencing close to total freedom. Total freedom being the ability to act, speak, and think without restraint. I had perceived that 'we', all / most people have capitulated freedom, have accepted the constraints, restraints and perceived limitations in their life situation, and in doing so create a 'prison' where there no keys; the prison warders are non-negotiable, and so there is no way out, so one then capitulates to accept that IS life and one then makes the very best of it and the prison isn't even recognisable. In fact it becomes very cosy, a source of great social belonging, and meaningful purpose. 


One even goes as far as being deluded into thinking that one has 'total' Freedom. That's what I call the capitulated freedom. Prison is a harsh word, because most of us find our 'prison' a pretty OK 'place' to live. By not fighting the restraints / constraints, one is not restless and searching for more freedom, but rather fully involved in making the 'Now' of the prison work and deliver contentment. I think Patrick, in one of his comments on the blog, referred to the Buddhist approach which says something along the lines that life IS suffering, and the sooner we accept that the more content and less expectant and disappointed we will be... In my view, that's supporting what I say above: life is like being in a 'suffering prison' - just capitulate and accept it, and it won't feel like a prison, you'll be free!

So, back to here on the ice in Antarctica... Am I in ultimate freedom, or a minute, solitary confinement cell of the worst degree? Well here on the ice it is quite a small 'prison' for me, even in the nothingness of Antarctica. I'm pretty much restricted in what I can do, choices, etc. Yes I can behave speak and think almost without constraint, but essentially it's a tight prison; one of every day involving 11 hours. Hard labour too!

The freedom comes in me voluntarily deciding to step in to explore the Solo to South Pole prison and to experience its restraints! To do this, I need to go through a serious capitulation process, before I can thin k it enjoy my prison. I have to accept that that's what life is, there are no outs, no warder with a key, I'm in for 35+ days, and that's non negotiable. Once I accept that I become pseudo free, and am on the path to contentment in my new life. That's why I felt so unneedy at the halfway point, in my restrained world I had everything!

Yesterday, the very slow terrain made my prison get even smaller, and so today I needed a new paradigm of capitulation to deal with its tighter constraints, or go mad! Some may think that this posting confirms: "I went mad!" On this blog, everyone has Freedom of opinion!

Well, the way I capitulated was to take away my 30 km/day goal, and to just accept whatever distance I do, but for me to get FULLY into the Now of being out here in this special place. And so that's what I did: appreciated the sastrugi, lots of photos, stopped often and took in with awe the 360 degree 'horizonless' space, and spent quality time articulating these freedom/prison capitulation thoughts.

In my book that is STILL 'work in progress', Freedom and these concepts are given very REAL practical support, as adventure by definition creates this extraordinary combination of freedom, and yet a necessary, daily micro prison.

In conclusion, I believe we all need 'prisons' because that's where significant things get done, relationships for me, and huge personal learning can take place. But how can one get Freedom as well? That, to me, is the holy grail of life, and I've tried to get the unlikely combination through the 'Simply Adventure' life philosophy which involves regular breakaways from true freedom into voluntary but highly constrained adventure 'prisons' like this 'stroll to the Pole'.

And finally, I guess I read many of your comments relating to my adventure 'inspiring' you to make some change, embark on your own South Pole.... Yes, that's making the decision not to be content with your 'prison' anymore, and to go explore a bigger and less constraining one, one that takes you closer to REAL freedom.... It needs courage, belief in yourself, and a vision / dream for more out of life... Not really a Buddhist approach, and I'm not saying it's right or wrong; your 'gut' will tell you what's right for YOU!

I can HONESTLY say each time I've made the sometimes hard and lonely decision to break out and seek a new, larger, less restraining prison, I've been rewarded with more freedom, but maybe more importantly, personal enlightenment and spiritual learning...

Many ask me if I ever regret walking away from life in Sydney to 'Simply Adventure', and my answer always remains:

Given what I now know about myself and have experienced in the last 7 years, I'd be 'violently angry' if either the 'dream thief' had come along and taken me off this planet before I could have experienced it, or I was still forced to be living a 'normal' life in Sydney, or wherever! That's just my perspective in the context of ME and all my baggage. How this all applies to you is for you to either instantly dump or work through for your life choices.

That's what day 28 produced...

Damn, if I had been more end goal focused, marched for 12+ hours, I'd only have 190 km to the Pole, instead of the 195km that I do have!

I hope you enjoyed the different day too...?

It's a beautiful, warm -12C outside, TOTAL silence, quite special... The tent will be warm for sleeping tonight.

Bye

Day 26: A Cold windy day... 31.5 km though!

A crevasse seen early in the expedition

87:44.702S 82:30.486W

Perfectly on track for the Pole! Compass bearing from my camp the day before was 128 degrees for the Pole, and 128 degrees is what I did today! Well it's not easy to do that all the time, hey! Dodging all thee sastrugi, dosing off, and compass alignment error all make it not a perfect science. Obviously the straighter on course I can go the less distance I have to travel, so the incentive is big!

Elevation: 2503 metres... Just on 200-250 left now... Great, the hills slow me down!

Well the rest did me good. I seemed to have a new 'timeless' approach, and my speed was faster. I dropped the rigorous set march time schedule, and rather went with how I felt, but trying to have as long marches and least breaks as possible. It worked well.

I woke to an almost windless morning and was congratulating myyself on the good choice of rest day... Hmm, the SE crosswind returned an hour after I started, and it's still blowing as hard, if not harder than the rest day. Oh well, at least I could pack up and take the tent down in quiet conditions! By the sound of the wind tonight, I'm not sure that will be the case tomorrow... Hold thumbs!

Early into today's march, I put my foot through some thin ice, and my whole right leg disappeared into blue oblivion, until my crotch and the hole size prevented me going any deeper... Quite amazing when all around the ice looks aged, thick and very stable.

This crosswind, about 70 degrees off a direct headwind, was quite challenging today. Firstly the windchill is quite serious, annd secondly the constant battering wears on one, so by the end of the day I felt mentally drained. Anyway, this was the weather I expected all the way from the start, but I actually haven't had it too bad. I could imagine that this is the weather of the plateau, so I'd better get used to it!

The terrain today was largely uninteresting, just the normal range of sastrugi, although my sled did tip over quite a bit today. Maybe 'reckless' driving.

250 km to go now... I need to just put in soid 30+ km days, and all will be good! Focus, focus, focus....

My fingers are quite sore from cold damage, and tonight trying to pickup individual matches to light the stove was a challenge. Funny how we take this finger feeling for granted, but without it the finger isn't much good!

Feet are off the concern / worry list, so that good. The change to walking sorted it.

So, how are festive season preparations / activities going... Christmas shopping, year end parties etc... GEE, I'm right out off it... Hmmm, not sure I'm missing most of it!

That's all for today. I feel exhausted, and needing some regenerative sleep. It's like being in a sandblasting room. Hope I sleep well!

Day 24: A much needed Good Solid One!

Howard's daily bread

87:27.776S 82:39.249W

Oops, yesterday was 87th parallel crossing day, forgot to tell you, but I did enjoy Ruth's card, and a huge whisky celebration, as I tried to minimise throwaway!

Elevation: 2365  metres...114 metres today, but 'hills and valleys' again to get there.

Just the day I needed:  a good, solid, mainly non-event day. As you will probably appreciate, every day is an 'ordeal' and a mind and body struggle, so non-event is in that context!

The 'night' snowfall was very  light, and even as I was setting out this morning there were still light flurries. As when it snows it was warmer, but as the cloud cleared during the day, it got a lot colder, and I finished with it at -24C. There was a 18-20 knot SE wind blowing for most of the day, making for difficult wind chill with it coming just off the face. Breaks were cold and I so I changed my marches, doing longer ones with fewer breaks, which worked out well, because I got into my warm little tent earlier! 9 hours marched and 30.0 kilometres done! That's 3.3km/h, and pretty respectable, considering that I was once again without skis and just 'stomping' in my boots! I did try the skis for an hour, but I REALLY felt it was slower, and far more stressful. 

Still lots off sastrugi, in fact today I saw the biggest monster yet! Most of the big ones have a trailing tail ridge behind the ornate head, and this ridge normally has a close to vertical sheer face that one has to ski, walk down. Well the face of ''the monster' was all of 2m, and I'm supposed to ski off the ledge, hope for a happy landing, and pull 'my friend' over a few metres of towline later! 

My whisky bottle flask replacement worked well today, so that's good. Don't think it's a 'Johnny Walker' type bottle, just a 1L Nalgene synthetic 'bottle'. Even with the down jacket insulation, the initial boiling water is almost frozen by day end. 

I'm about 4km from the largest crevasse area on route. I'll skirt around it tomorrow, and THEN it's direct no stopping to the POLE! I'd estimate 9-10 days now... but not banking on it!

Some people asked about my food / calories: There is a whole description with photos, on the blog, a posting around 10-13 Nov. In summary I eat about 7500 cal / day, and this is largely fat based. I can also tell you: It's really easy to eat that amount of food when exercising like I am, and being semi cold all the time! In fact I have just eaten my delicious 'tomorrow's breakfast' sandwich, as I was ravenous AFTER a huge dinner! (I'll steal two in the morning from 'the excess' I now have. (Planned for 38 days, and it will almost certainly now take less.)

Not much else to 'report' today... and hope for another 'productive one' tomorrow.

I presume you have all worked out your 3-5 key life activity issues, and have two 'Yes' ticks for the two questions, and so you are in 'Holy Grail', not wasting your life territory! 

Lastly on that whole concept, and my 'brief' explanation: It may come across as very 'me', 'selfish', and individualistic driven. It's not exclusive  of others, there is a subtle twist in the way I see things. I believe one must do things for oneself, but in doing that others benefit the most, rather than doing things for others and hoping their recognition, appreciation etc, satisfies you. I.e. the goal is to be the best parent, because that's what you have chosen to do, and a spin-off of that is that you will have offspring who you love, care for and have given a lot. But the goal is to be the best parent, that's where the personal height comes in. Continuing, I believe that if you make the goal the other person, then there is risk of an unhealthy dependency relationship, and while that may seem cosy, it's not a source of personal height. The personal height goal / result comes when one achieves something extraordinary for ONESELF.  Single-handedly turning a business around is the source of personal height, not the benefits to others, not the huge title / status of the job, nor the financial rewards that go with it. These are all benefits, some for others, but the personal height is within, knowing YOU took on a challenge and did something EXTRAORDINARY.

Lastly, the major discoveries that help millions were driven by a desire to solve a 'difficult' problem, and the scientist, doctor whoever, was magnetised by this challenge. In the process of solving it, he/she gained huge personal height, and ALSO many were given something by it. But the primary motive was the solving of the challenge, rather than the desire to help others... Therein lies my subtle, yet I believe powerful, within (vs others) focus.

That's it from me on 'this stuff', unless there is more 'blog debate...

Thanks again for your SUPPPORT on my adventure... It's really motivating....

Day 23: No party for me on Amundsen 'day': An important mental victory though...

File pic of Howard training on Muizenberg beach, Cape Town

87:11.702S 82:12.429W

Elevation: 2251 metres. A new high for the day's elevation gain. Only 500 metres to go before I'm at 'Pole level', and the much-talked-about 'plateau'... I hope it's like a pancake!

Hey, cool, it's snowing lightly outside, whiteout, and I can just hear the snowflakes landing on my tent! I made it in just in time, saw the cloud slowly catching me from behind... Yeah first tail wind so far! Let's see what it brings!

Well a memorious day: 100 years ago today Amundsen reached the South Pole, as the first person to ever 'be there'. I must say my thoughts went to his expedition quite a bit today.... How different it must have been not knowing what to expect all the way and then having to use a sextant to tell him he was at 90 degrees South. It's all too easy to take this achievement for granted, but it was a HUGE one, and so professionally executed! I did also think about the anniversary party, just 'over the hill'. It seems quite strange from the white wilderness perspective I have now... Anyway, salute the man and his team!

What a day! An important one from the mind challenge!

As I always do, I'll share my REAL inner journey, warts and all, not all the superman Hollywood stuff. This expedition was always going to be a SERIOUS mental struggle for me... That's what I signed up for!

After yesterday's horrendous one, I wasn't sure how ready I was for today... In some ways I'd been partially broken, and my confidence dented, and on the other hand I wasn't sure whether it was mental fatigue and I need a break. The latter is a difficult call, as it's far too easy to just take the easy option: rest!

There were a few warning bells today:
- I didn't hear the alarm, overslept (10 mins only!)
- when pulling down the tent, I forgot two tent pegs, still in the ice, but fortunately they wouldn't let me pull the tent up to pack away, so I didn't lose them! I'm normally pedantic about ensuring this doesn't happen.
- then 'crime of the day', maybe the century, I somehow left my thermos flask (very conspicuous brown!) on the ice at one of the rest stops! It's gone - my only one, and the one I use for water on the day's march!
- Lastly, the day's low patch I went through, which I describe below, is also related.

Individually 'accidents', but I'm convinced that these simple 'mistakes' are all mental tiredness issues... I need to be aware that I'm in another mind space, and compensate for it.

We'll the day started with my thermometer showing -23 C, with no wind, so I sensed I was in for a 'cold one', particularly if the 'usual' headwind popped up. I took out the heavy duty layers just in case, but actually it warmed up during the day, and now it's just -16C. But this cold start contributed a bit of an edge to the whole mind picture.

I set out with yesterday's conditions still controlling my body movements, even though the terrain was better. Before I could relax and 'unlearn' the constant sled tugging and me anticipating a fall, I was faced with a long steep (relative) climb. And blow me down, with the hill came the return of the sastrugi army! As I weaved my way up the hill, the pace dropped and at the first 2hr break I was down below 3km/h and quite demoralised. I wasn't sure whether the terrain was as bad as I was making it to be, or I was just on a mental fatigue downward spiral... That's the tough thing being solo: no other reference points. All this negative info, and the constant attention to the terrain made it impossible to get near 'the zone', and so my mind went off into negative territory, making it all worse! Try as I might to convert things into a positive mindset, my mind JUST didn't want to go there. I thought about taking a rest day tomorrow, but that made it worse, as I started mentally experiencing 'heaven' of a day off, right then. The terrain deteriorated till it was as bad as yesterday, albeit different in the sastrugi specifics. And so the downward spiral continued, the next rest showed bad km/h average, and it was here that my tormented mind must have overlooked packing the thermos!

I'd sort of stabilised the situation by agreeing with myself that I need to JUST focus on the now of the next 1.5 hour march, and do it well... I can't do anything about the terrain but I can ski the best I can within it. So off I went, and I was dealing with a new, second level of capitulation. The going GENUINELY was difficult, and the motion quite violent and disjointed, and so in trying to make it more peaceful and soulful, I thought: "Maybe I should rather take the skis off and walk." The ice seemed hard enough, and I thought I'd try it at the next break stop. Well, backpack off, skis off, time to get food and flask..! "I can't believe it, the flask isn't here, I must have left it at the last stop, 4.5 km back! In denial, I searched the whole sled, desperately thinking it may have moved when the sled overturned! Nope, it's gone! No panic, sit down and think through the options! Fast 'gearless' ski back was tops, and I was just about to implement this when I thought, "No, it's probably two rest stops back, because I didn't drink at the last one! Hmmm, ok what substitutes can I use? Pee bottle (cleaned out, of course!!) or whisky bottle, wrapped in my down jacket, yeah one will be ok, no stress! You see the whole Robert Scott approach: I was actually quite excited about the problem I had to solve! It was solved, so now, how does the ice surface feel for walking? "Great, it's really firm, let's' go for it!"

This was an energising, motivating turnaround point for the day, and 5 hours into a miserable one! Energy was flowing again, just a trickle but it was positive and definitely flowing!

Well, the rest is history: as I walked much more relaxed and peacefully I found my soul again, and actually started enjoying it all again... I now marvelled at the previously evil sastrugi, stopped to take photos, and suddenly appreciated the TRULY magnificient landscape I was in... Today was all about hills and valleys, and with the sun angle wonderful shadows were created on the hills and valleys, accentuating the features. I TRULY mean it was beautiful. The first GPS check had me walking at 3.3 km/h, perfect, and good for my foot too... The change of muscles and motion was as good as lying in my tent resting, but I was again moving rapidly towards the Pole, but now soulfully too! I honestly believe that given the terrain I had, walking was the fastest option, as I could just walk in a straight line and power over ALL sastrugi in my way!

It all felt so good, I was back to being balanced and in sync with my environment. It was just like my training off Muizenberg beach, and at one point the shadows created a sea-like feature reminding me of the Indian Ocean next to the beach as I walked in training down there. Aah, but no breakfast and 'flat white' afterwards at Empire!

It was quite eerie as I walked on the ice, ski boots only: occasionally my heel would break through thin ice, and I'd stop and explore around the hole with my ski pole... Hmm, once the whole pole went down into this deep blue cavity underneath... Strange place this, there is lots happening underneath me! No fears, I'm not being reckless, I can sense the general integrity of the ice here. A while back I asked the question: "Why do people walk on skis to the Poles?" The main reason is that the ski provides so much more surface area that holds one up from sinking in soft snow or falling through thin ice / snow.

As my mental strength returned, I decided "Today WILL be a 30km day, and I'll walk till I achieve that... Well, 31.1 km done, in 10 hours. More importantly, I had an important mental victory, in a game that's just starting to get 'interesting'! There will be more battles ahead!

Lastly: I have to dump my whisky tonight. I never thought it, but the bottle now has a more valuable role!

I haven't forgotten the philosophical stuff, just full capacity at the moment!

Last few whiskies then, oh no, turf out the rest, fill the bottle with the morning's water, and then I'm off to bed!

I sense, it'll be a good day tomorrow...!

Cheers

Day 22: Today I found hell in Antarctica, and distance shows

File pic from Howard's North Pole expedition

86:55.002S 82:23.745W

Elevation 2076 metres. New biggest single day climb. It's bloody cold up here!

Well, as I was putting on my socks this morning, first job once I'm out of my cosy sleeping bag, I looked at my right foot, and didn't like what I saw: On the outside, just behind the small toe, was a sizeable swelling, like bruising, and very sore to touch. My boot can never naturally accommodate that, it just exacerbates the problem... Hmm, other than taking anti-inflammatories, I'd largely been in denial there was a serious problem. Breakfast was a bit of a sombre affair. I was thinking through all the options, even taking a day's rest, but "No, the show must go on" and I have hope that it will sort itself. I'll just try lace it loosely for the day. In all honesty I was concerned! Well....

Funny how things work out, hey? I had the best 'foot day' for weeks, finishing with no pain, but I had the worst day from shocking terrain point of view... It was hell out there today!

I managed 28.1 km, using the full 9 hours, so fairly pleased with that, as tomorrow I'll go through 87 degrees!

The day started well, great weather again, no wind and good, fast skiing surface. That means flat, no sastrugi, and a thin soft ice, almost snow, layer on top of solid ice. This is great for fast gliding.... First hour check I'd done 3.7 km. Perfect! Then things started changing, lots of sastrugi, and then a huge hill ahead. But to go the direction I wanted to go I had to angle across and up the hill. Right from the bottom of the hill I thought this surface felt different: It was as though many 'ice' plasterers had come with different techniques, leaving an effect where the surface was continuously changing, making it awkward and impossible to get any momentum. The predominant 'plastering' was glass-like, rock hard ice, and with my angle of travel up the hill, I end up slipping downhill on the treacherous surface... Hmmm, not fun. Sastrugi was everywhere, and either impossible to avoid or required large detours... When I came to sastrugi, I had to make an even bigger climb to get over its ridge, and the sled resistance increased more.... Anyway, I stumbled, and swore, but drove on ahead, and half way up a head wind picked up!

I sensed things were a bit 'cooler', but managing ok, I thought I'd wait for the rest stop to add mitts and windsuit top. Well I shouldn't have, because by the time I'd got to the rest stop, my core temperature had dropped, and I then had a 'difficult' fight to get my temperature (mainly my hands) back to normal. Usually it takes 10-20 minutes after I'm moving again, but this struggle went on for an hour. Probably due to the stop-go, slip-slide of the bad terrain. Ok, the cold was self inflicted, but the two together made for a very restless journey. I thought about how balanced and in sync with the environment I'd been earlier, and how peaceful and productive that was, but now it was horrendous. Balance (holistic), hey, it's so important...!

Eventually after a couple more hours, things settled down, and I made it to the top, to find a big plateau, and this was the next phase of 'Hell'!

The sastrrugi was larger, and running perpendicular across my direction of travel, and in between the sastrugi were big ridged, micro valleys and hills, making for short up and downhill skiing, but where I'd be going uphill and the sled a few metres behind going downhill..! Clearly my friend had had enough of the day too, but rather than deal with it 'herself', she took it out on me, violently tugging me backwards, with me landing on my bum on the ice, no less than 7 times! Crossing the large and complex sastrugi required each step to be considered, and often saw me strung precariously between two mounds with just the ski tips either end forming the bridge points. All slow going, quite stressful, and occasionally painful!
It required full concentration and come the end of the day, I was totally exhausted, mentally and physically.

The good news is (I think!) it's finished now and the surface for tomorrow looks pretty good again. It all suddenly changed 100 minutes before the end of the march today. Thankfully!

I'm wondering whether the struggle today is because I'm getting really fatigued. The build-up of day after day? I don't think so, as each day I feel I start as good as day 1. (Other than my foot, but that seems on a good track now). My recovery each day is astounding.... On stopping marching I'm totally and utterly knackered, but after warm tent, great food, a 'chat' with you guys, and good sleep I wake to a good breaky, and then ready to hit the road again. I'll just monitor the situation for now.

That's it for tonight, I need my bed badly!

All positive for a new day tomorrow

See ya

Day 19: Another Amundsen one... That's nice!

86:07.645S 82:32.191W

Elevation: 1725 metres.


Yeah, crossed the 86th south parallel, three more then the big 90! Every day a new milestone for me: The furtherest south on the planet I have ever been! It's quite special as I imagine the globe and see myself 'upside down' walking to its southern-most point.

The other thing about crossing a line of latitude, I get to open one of Ruth's 'latitude cards' she made for me.... Small things, but they mean a lot out here.

To reward myself for achieving the milestone, I delved into my spare food stocks, and found two pieces of Josee's delicious lunch fruitcake: one for desert tonight, and one for breakfast in the morning. It should have been an extra whisky celebration, but stock is 'very tight'! (Not from excessive helpings, but rather, being heavy, it was always going to be a scarce resource!

Talking about scarce resources, my daily food ration is not quite enough... I eat every crumb, and am always scrounging around for 'hidden' spare. It's amazing how hungry I get, and my daily rations are very generous (vs some other expeditions).

Well, the GPS says: 29 kilometres reeled out today, in nine hours 'marching'. It was an 'Amundsen day', perfect according to plan, and perfect weather to complement. A light headwind in the beginning, dropped by lunch, and then almost 'hot' conditions. Blue sky and sun the whole day, no clothing layer changes, and no frozen hand problems. So much 'in the zone' time, and not much to report!

My foot was much better, but still not 100%.

After downloading all that philosophical stuff yesterday, today, was a 'private, mindless' on-the-ice, day!

I'll give you another day or two re the 'Purpose of Life' insight....

This morning was the 1st morning I slept through the alarm. Mainly due to a late Blog night... Haha, I do enjoy writing to you guys, but I'm taking an early night tonight. Give you a chance to hone those comments to yesterday's blog!

Cheers

Day 18: Half way and a good one

85:52.805S 82:25.801W

Elevation: 1616 metres, biggest single day climb today....

You probably picked up from yesterday's blog that I was struggling a bit.... I woke today a bit worried whether things would go further down or spiral upward back to the positive days prior to 'Nunatak day'. It was mainly my right foot issue that was affecting me, but also I find reaching halfway comes with mixed emotions... It's like Wednesday of the working / school week: You are halfway through, but is that a long way you have come or long way still to go?

Well, with a total route distance of 914 km, I now have 461 to go, so almost spot-on halfway. That feels pretty good, and it also means Christmas day at the South Pole is a very real possibility, but 'Mother Nature' will no doubt decide!

Back to the start of today.....

I'm not a pain killer person, never take them, but today I packed 4 in my wind pants pocket, JUST IN CASE. I put an extra sock on my right foot (now 5 socks, including vapour barrier layer!). For those that haven't dragged a sled, it's not just like normal walking: one's back and shoulders are being yanked back, so your toes have to constantly fight back to keep the front of your boot from lifting upwards. When one really pushes the pace or has a very heavy sled, the toes get quite stressed, and almost need like a grab rail in your boot to help them claw back. This is the problem I have, where my toes and ball of my foot are now traumatised.... Anyway enough detail...

The extra sock helped a lot, I had a great day, and forgot about thee painkillers. Not that it's all hunky dory, it will take a while, but a least now I can manage the situation by wiggling my toes, yesterday I could do zip...

The day started with a moderate head wind, and in a big sastrugi obstacle park. I felt good, and patiently made detours around all the big ones... Not good terrain for getting into the zone, but I somehow managed a good average speed. Two hours later I was in exactly opposite terrain, not a sastrugi in sight, not even the occasional one, but just smooth VAST open desert... With the cloud shadow giving it a strange brown tinge, it really looked like warm desert sands, This was the start of the big hill today, but also perfect for getting in the zone, and so I did... The kilometres flew by, and my mind lapsed into a huge philosophical journey! Gee, I missed you on the other side of the debates... (I'll come back to the content later below.)

The now, infamous nunataks are STILL with me, but believe you me, I haven't been seduced again! Two days later they are stlll clearly visible, but other than them, it's just vaste ice wilderness. Today, as I stopped a few times to take it all in, it really hit me how vast and awesome it really is... strange shadows, magnificent skies, deceiving virtual hills and valleys, and nobody around, no sounds, other than the wind when it blows. I take my camera out, but almost each time I realise you can't capture on camera or video what I am experiencing and seeing... Photos will be scorned as showing nothing and that would be tragic, because there is SO MUCH in the scale of things and the experience. I use the 'Mother Nature' thing quite a bit, but today I thought , I'm SO small, and instantaneous in her vast timeless wilderness that 'she' is probably indifferent to my presence.

I managed 28, largely, painfree kilometres, in 9 hours of marching. To try and minimise further damage to my foot, I've decided that provided I'm over 25 km for the day, I'll stop at 9 hours.

You may wonder why I never mention the actual temperatures out here? Well, I'd been warned about Antarctica: At this time of the year it's not the still air temperature that is really cold, probably only -10 to -15 C. It's when the devilish wind blows, the windchill is biting. It's hard out here to estimate the temperature with windchill, but at the headwind peaks it definitely feels like the minus 30s. The worst is that one gets caught out by the warmish still temperature, almost becoming casual and complacent. Two of my fingers have big white frost nip blisters from just that, and most of my fingers are sensitive to touch from minor cold damage... I need to be more careful!

As I went through my planning tonight, it seems it's going to be touch and go as to whether I get to the Pole on or before Christmas day? I'll be pushing to try and do it, but largely weather wiill determine it. I plan to dump (burn off!) quite a bit of fuel soon, I have far too much, and can save 3-4 kgs.

So, my philosophical excursion today....

Well, I've been living out here for 18 days now, I'm halfway, and I asked myself: "So what are you craving for, what are you missing or needing?" I honestly couldn't find one item, thing, activity, etc. I then thought, that's a bit strange, because this life is SO different to breakfast at Empire café, socialising with friends, hours on the laptop, reading the latest news, etc, etc.

I definitely don't miss shopping, going to gym, paying bills, doing laundry and kitchen dishes, spermarkets, traffic, garbage duty, etc, etc. I'm eating the same basic food each day, wearing the same clothes each day, not shaving nor brushing my hair, not showering, I have no idea what's going on in the world, I haven't seen or spoken to anyone yet there is NOTHING I feel I need or want?? Not even a hot bath! Why in that 'other world', do 'we' need so much variety, external stimulation, so much socialising, news, gadgets, material pleasures, etc,etc? Strange hey, but why is this I asked?

The answer appeared to be in: I'm doing what I REALLY enjoy (holisticly), in a very spiritual aand healthy environment, ALL my BASIC needs are well satisfied, and above all I have huge meaningful, and all consumng PURPOSE. A purpose that is linked to me gaining 'personal height', a concept my friend Imi introduced to me back on our Yukon trip. As he said the words, I knew "That's what it's all about!" A sense of inner spiritual development that is free of ratification or approval, or motivated by others. It may involve others, but doesn't have to, and once gained, nobody can ever take that personal height away from you... A good concept.

Out here I have no need for the so called luxuries, boredom distractors, pampering, etc, and my life is SO simple, and free of clutter that I can get within myself and live and feel me!

So if some of this is true, then maybe it's all about having that meaningful and consuming PURPOSE? That then leads to the big question: So, what is the PURPOSE OF LIFE?

This took me back to day 35 in my full-on North Pole expedition, where in the same mind space as today, I had a Damascus experience, where I discovered my response to the question...! I''ll leave you with these thoughts and share with you further in the coming days...

Since 2004 I have been trying to live what I call 'Simply Adventure', a way of life which is Simple, as outlined above bit. But one also centred 'Simply' around adventure, because in adventure Ii find In can find myself and my soul, while still having strong meaningful purpose.

In sharing this with you I'm not trying to say I know the answers, and have it all sorted, I know many of you are much further down your own tracks... All I'm trying to do is share my exploring of an alternate approach.... And maybe it triggers a few thoughts for your journey...!

Lastly, this Blog and your participation, whether active or passive, provides a very important social / human connection for me, one that enables me to not have a craving need to 'get out of here', and be with friends / others....so thank you, it's a very special part of the 'not alone' part of 'Solo but not Alone'

Please feel free to post up your comments, disagreements, views, beliefs...It's all serious fun!

And you just thought this was a South Pole expedition, hey!

Off to bed, feeling very content... Bit of a wind outside, but nice and warm inside my little tent!

Day 17: Back at work, and a day of 'everything'....

85:37.235S 82:18.002W

Elevation: 1470 metres

Under 500km to go: 487, to be exact!

After the variety and excitement of yesterday, I had sort of prepared myself for getting back to the harsh realities of pounding my way direct to the Pole! The rigours of the 2hr, 1.5hr, 1.5hr, 1.5hr, 1.5hr, 1hr, 1hr (last hour optional!) the much-looked-forward-to but bitterly cold 10-minute breaks spent huddled behind my sled, and then the 'getting started again' process, putting skis, and backpack back on, and starting the warm-up process. It's a full-on routine that varies depending only on the weather, terrrain, and what layers of clothing I have on.

It may seem mindless, but it requires focus, concentration and a good sense of understanding of one's body and how it deals with the cold.

When all goes well, and everything is in tune, I lapse into this form of trance, where my focus moves automatically between the compass, a distant sastrugi 'beacon', and a point 1-2 metres on the ice infront of me. These three sources of information are scanned subconsciously, processed and micro adjustments made to course, weight bias and foot movement so I effortlesly cross the uneven terrain, but in a line as straight as an arrow, on the desired compass course, and as fast as possible....! I'm on autopilot, and at one with the environment, my mind is sort of void, but flipping through non conceptual things, often bringing up thoughts about you guys... but all nice and peaceful... In this space, the kilometres fly by, time is irrelevant, at the break when I look back the sled tracks are straight as an arrow disappearing into the rear horizzon, and the GPS confirms that the course and speed were 'perfect'!

My brother-in-law, Bob, a respected sports psychologist, who makes quite a few comments on the blog, would say, "I'm in the zone". This is the place I desire to be in, for the 10 marching hours of the day, but it's not always easy...

So much out here contributes to being able to get in this zone. Being too hot or too cold makes it impossible, lots of sastrugi obstacles, calorie stores, equipment / clothing issues / irritations, and maybe most importantly my frame of mind, are the main doors / barriers to entering into 'the zone'.

Well today was a day with lots of different weather, from clear skies, a bitterly cold headwind, still, flat light greyness, to a valley hole that was windless, and felt as hot as Death Valley! This all requires lots of clothing layer changes, which makes it hard to be relaxed and enter the zone. I was pretty restless, and tryiing to delay layer changes in the hope I wouldn't need it often took me close to being too cold and 'worried'... At one point I was walking with my wind pant leggings rolled up, with 'skinny' black underwear-only legs sticking out to keep cool. Too hot is almost as bad as too cold. At another time I had three layers of gloves, full windsuit with my face wrapped in ruff, and just being warm enough. Given all this change and the difficulty of getting into the zone, I was pleased with the day's distance.

I am still concerned about my right foot: about 7-8 hours into the day, I get excruitiating pain, and am busy working through some options... This pain certainly does make entering the zone easy! Anyway, nobody said it would be easy skiing to the Pole!

I'm reckoning on another 20 days out here, which basically means I musn't think about that, and just get on with the now, and enjoying being out here, like I have been. Yesterday's excursion was good confirmation to me that I'm fully entrenched with life in this Antarctic environment, so that's good!

Finally, its great to have a few school classes along: BJHS, ESL class are doing their usual amazing stuff, and a big welcome to Rancho Bernardo students (Chaparral Elementary, BHMS, RBHS and Poway High). I wonder how many of you have experienced cold, snow and ice? Remember school can be a huge personal adventure, you just need to set your 'South Pole' goals for yourself for school and then grab the oportunities school provides to reach your school 'South Pole'. It's not your teacher's adventure, it's yours, just like this one is mine, for me!

Lastly, I hope you guys also take the opportunity to learn about Antarctica. It's such an important place to our earth and we humans in so many respects. Explore, learn about it, and then you can help protect it for the future...

That's all today... Hopefully I'll be back to 'normal' tomorrow!

Day 16: Freedom in Antarctica...'Simply Adventure' is alive and well...

85:21.743S 82:21.671W

Hey, ALL your comments are JUST amazing.... Thanks, and I can tell you it inspires me to share more in these postings.... I wish I could reply to each, but......!! Just know you are ABSOLUTELY here with me in my thoughts and mind in the middle of Antarctica. Solo but DEFINITELY not Alone!

If you see my course today on Google Earth, on 'The Diary', you may start wondering whether those compasses are playing games again...! My course today took a 'strange' veer almost direct west, not one for one trying to make it to the South Pole ASAP!

Well my wandering, adventurous, exploring side just took control away from the competitive racer! Absolute Freedom reigned:

I told you about my lovely 'campsite' (yeah, space 10a!) last night 'near' the best nunataks I've seen so far. Each time I've passed a nunatak, I've been curious, and almost tempted to detour to go and 'touch' one. Although simple in concept, they do fascinate me, and I wonder if there are crevasses around each peak, as the ice flows around the fixed moutain, on its way to the sea. Also, I have never been to a continent and not 'put my foot' on the ground! I've only been on the ice way above the 'ground'! So intrigue has been building!

This morning I woke to a perfect still, warm morning, and as I had my almost, pleasant today, daily pre breakfast loo experience, I gazed in awe at the nunataks, and thought: "You are good on 'schedule' for the Pole, you guys are all telling me to "Rest" and it's the perfect day to go and explore the nunataks." This is the strange mix I have within me, and my ,Simpy Adventure' life philosophy is designed to accommodate the fast, go-for-it stuff, but also the, hey it's not so serious, enjoy the now of exploring too... Freedom of choice... I like to think it maximises that, withoutt 'losing one's way! So....

Over breakfast I worked at my plan: I estimated it would take me 'about an hour' to get there, maybe two, a total off-course, but spiritually wonderful, deviation to route to the Pole. So, off I went, so happy I didn't have to sell the 'crazy' idea to anyone else, or explain why I stupidly, wanted to 'touch' them... I just made the decision based on what I FELT inside me I just HAD to do....! Solo... one of the real benefits, or maybe not... read more!

Initially, I was confused as I thought through how I'd pushed for every kilometre towards the Pole these last few days, and now I was 'wasting' them.Then I thought: "No, it's the TIME that those hard days have earned for me are now giving me the FREEDOM to explore as I want! This all felt good, and before long I was 'locked' on the nunataks, and how lucky I was to be going to 'touch them'!

As I skied along I felt so motivated, and alive, the power of Simply Adventure was pumping through my veins again. At one point I was just overcome by emotions, tears welled up, like a deep spiritual satisfaction. Well...

The further I skied, the more I committed to my goal and its dream I became, but at the same time the 'big mountain peaks' weren't getting closer at the rate I'd been used to with the little sastrugi beacons each day.... Hmm, these nunataks are further than I thought. Ok no problem, I REALLY want the experience, so relax, ski whatever it takes, and maybe just write off the day to 'fun and pleasure'! I'd even conjured up the dream of pitching my tent for 'lunch' right next to the cutest one, and stay there overnight... I'd already chosen it! Well...

I skied for 6.5 hours, 18.8 kilometres, and they hardly got closer! I have NEVER experienced anything like this total inability to judge distance... In fact at sea, which is also a vast 'nothingness', I pride myself on my ability to judge long distances. But this was new territory, and something had affected my gut feel!

Clearly they did get much closer, and became increasingly spectacular as they did, but my commitment to a worthy goal needed to be 'audited'. I'd skied all this 6.5 hours without ONE break... Excitement, and passion fueling me through all fatigue/mental barriers on a normal 'boring' day. Funny hey! My hands were so 'frozen' in clenching the poles that when I finally stopped on 'the auditors' instruction I could hardly undo my backpack clips, and release my ski bindings. Such was the power of my nunatak dream! I understand many may see this as madness, not understand the fascination, and yes, logically it doesn't make sense, but this is ME, and its about a strange and powerful fire within. Many will relate in your own passion areas to this same 'madness'....

So the meeting with the 'spoil sport' auditor didn't go well: I'd reached the point where although this detour hadn't actually added kilometres to the distance I still have to the Pole, going any further would start doing that, ie taking me backwards from yesterday. The views of the mountain range were spectacular, two groups of nunataks, spread over quite a few kilometres (?!). The first being iconic, easily recognisable rocky, but snow peppered, tops of jagged, mountain peaks. The other was more like a totally white ice encrusted table, seemingly standing on the surrounding ice, and almost part of it. Inside me the dream fire was still burning strong, but when the auditor asked me how far away they still were, I scarily, honestly could not answer! I estimated not more than 1/2 an hour ski away, but then I lost confidence and thought it maybe still another two hours, I REALLY don't know... Based on that, I decided to I had to 'park' the dream and set up tent, with a view to maybe exploring just on my own (no sled and gear) later... So, here I am with a really spectacular 'closeup' view of the best nunataks to date, and its 16h30, and I'm about to decide whether I set out on my own or not....

It's now 20h30, and I'm back from my ski to 'touch the nunataks'! I decided this was a once-off lifetime opportunity, and I had to give it all I've got to realise at least some of ths morning's dream. Well (again!)...

I did 4km and to my utter shock and amazement, I probably did about half the distance to the closest nunatak! This is astounding, there is something wrong! I did think that for two weeks now the highest thing I've seen is my tent! I've been focusing on small distant shimmeriing sastrugi, so maybe I just could no longer reference these significant height peak tops. Another contributor could be the very pure, clean atmosphere.... I'm almost embarrassed sharing this faux pax wit you!

Anyway, at the end of the 4km, it did feel real closeup and I could see one significant glacier squeezed between the two largest nunataks, which was special. In terms of achieving my original excursion goal, I have failed, but the day's experiences, including the freedom emotions and spiritual peace, plus the close-up views were together ALL worth it. As a bonus I also got to have a special 8km cross country ski, without 'my friend' the sled, in the world's biggest cross country ski park! Don't know where you pay, and why there was nobody else here! Gee, it was light and fast without 'my friend'!

In this account of my day's seemingly unachieved mission I have found many life lessons, and above all, an adventure into the unknown has risk, and deciding when one is a coward or when it's right to change direction and walk away from a heart-felt pursuit is one of the most diffficult decisions I find in life! The other thing is how we are naturally optimistic, and that gives us hope, dreams, and helps us off our butts, when well thought through 'auditor' rationality will probably keep us locked in our comfort zones!

Oh well, strange posting this one, butt I hope you get something out of it, because hey, this was one WHOLE day of my life!

I've just had my last course of my 7500 calorie (SP) day's food intake, and am off to bed, because:

Back to competitive production tomorrow...

Cheers

Day 15: Two great distance days with no problems

85:19.669S 80:19.977W

Elevation: 1351 metres

Only 522km to go! Sled is getting lighter every day... I must be down 20 kg since the start... I'll be flying soon!

A gruelling, but productive two days behind me.... The human being likes routine and I had just settled down into my daily sleep, eat ski, routine, and then yesterday's bad light visibility gave me no option but to change things. It all came so sudden, one moment I was in clear blue skies, then within minutes the fog had moved in and I had to deal with this dull grey atmosphere that blends seamlessly with the ice. You can't make out bumps and humps, and it all feels very eerie. It's debilitating trying to ski in the rough sastrugi terrain I was in, as you stumble and fall almost each step. I'd been going so well, it was 3.5 into the day's marching and I'd already mentally banked the day's record... That's whaat happens, hey, when one makes assumptions: 'Mother Nature' turns around to show you who is in charge!

Anyway, it was eventually the sun that pushed me across the line to stop and take a 5-6 hour rest. There was a very dull sun coming through the fog, but enough to provide depth perspective when facing the sun... I was going away from it. Here where I am the sun basically goes around in a full circle, almost the same angle to the horizon the whole 24hr cycle. It's quite bizarre at first, but in preparing for the North Pole, I spent time REALLY understanding why, and if you don't it's quite a worthwhile exercise. It may also take you to the significance of the Arctic and Antarctic circles, they are both defined by 24 hour sun criteria....! Ok, so I got distracted:

Well knowing that even if the fog didn't lift, 5-6 hours later the sun would start being in front of me, so the visibility from my perspective would be 100% better. Better still the fog might have lifted, so it seemed like a theoretical no-brainer. How to get my body clock to accept the plan with minimal resistance was the practical challenge.

Anyway, it all worked out great, other than today feeling like a particularly punishing day, after just 3 hours sleep last night.

Yesterday I also reached the point called Thiel corner. Now clear of the mountains, I could make a 30 degree easterly 'turn' to start heading almost direct south for the South Pole. Just one more crevasse area to be detoured around, but that's 250 km off still.

The area I have been skiing in the past two days appears to be an old crevasse field, with 150-200 metre crevasses covered with hard snow/ice running 90 degrees to the direction of my travel. These provide great flat ski surfaces, and a little bump to ski down, once you are over the hump up to it. Now and again the ice underneath lets out a load groan as it resettles somewhere under where me and my sled have caused some weight stress. It was a bit spooky to start with, but know I understand it, it's not a problem.

The weather today has been amazingly warm (I'd say -10C at the very coldest) , no wind, but a bit of the dreaded fog. Lots of nunataks, and like last night I'm camped right opposite about 5 mountain peaks just sticking through the ice, maybe 1-200 metres above the surface ice... Pretty cool!

It was great to connect back to my usual heart dinner again, I missed my dinner time in my little tent last night, it's really cosy, and starting it off with a whisky cocktail sets the atmosphere for a 4 course dinner that ends with 'muscle milk for dessert... Very important for recovery from the day's work.

My feet are very sore, not sure exactly what the problem is, but tomorrow I'll be plastering my toes up to try and help. Noot whingeing, just giving you the whole picture....!

Looking forward to my 6.5hrs sleep now...

G/night!

Day 14: Well, half of it

84:55.816S 79:33.604W

Short update today, as weather has made me change my routine:

After a record-breaking 3.5 hours in great glide skiing conditions, averaging 3.5km/h, the visibility just went to shocking. There was no depth perception and I had to either go really slow or risk falling all the time.

I decided to set up tent, sleep for 5hrs and then get going at 18h30 with hopefully better light.

I've now woken, and will hopefully ski till midnight.

Next blog tomorrow evening.

Good luck H!

Midnight skiing brings a 30km day

85:04.189S 79:59.400W

Just passed 85 deg Slowly getting there!

Hey, it's just after midnight (Yeah, well Punta Arenas time), and I have just completed my day's skiing. Obviously, it's still bright daylight here, the sun is two hours away from local midnight (for 79 deg W). 

Gee, was I proud of my set up tent, sleep and take a break strategy. The evening sun angle made visibility so much better and gave me a new record day's run: 30.1 km... Very sweet!

I'm 'camped' about 1 km from a large nunatak. A fitting campsite with a view, for a good day's work!

Now off to sleep... 3 hours, and then up again.... and it's Sunday!

Full blog at the end of skiing tomorrow....